Dom Died

My little bro had a bad tummy ache last night and so me and my Mum brought him to the hospital. He was really poor thing because the usual active him was rolling about on the bed and yelping about the pain.

I thought the hospital trip would be a short one but it ended up in bro being admitted. The doctor suspected that he has appendicitis. I know what the pain feels like cos I had it before. It feels like hell when your appendicts is infected. It gets even worse when it bursts! So don’t fool around when you get prolonged tummy aches!

In the end, me and Mum stayed in the hospital the whole night with my bro. He thinks of it as an adventure because he had never been to a hospital besides being born and checked up in one. Reality came up to him when they started inserting all the needles into him for blood test and IV drips. He feels fine now except for the fact that he misses eating solid food as he is on liquids now and he misses TV. He looks better now but if he gets worse, he might have to go for an op.

Sitting in the hospital was a torture. I had nothing to do there except to think. And when I stare into blank space, questions like “Should I go out with Pam?”, “Damn I’m so angry with her!”, “What should I do?” will pop up.

I still can’t find an answer. A huge part of me is just so pissed with her. We were supposed to go out on Friday always. She said part of her reason of doing what ever she is doing now is because she wants more time to call me and more time to be with me. I blindly believed in it.

But she crushed my faith when I called her and she asked: “We are going out on Friday? Aren’t we going out today?”

I got really pissed. How could she forget about our promise? And what kind of lame reasons does she come out with. If you really thought it was Thursday, then why didn’t you call me?

She then asked me: “How was your tournament?”

I recalled on Wednesday I had the support of every single person I knew except her. So I had to call her up to REMIND her to cheer me on. Never mind the fact that I have to REMIND her. She now asked me about a tournament that was played a day ago. She didn’t even bothered to call me on the day itself and find out how I did.

To even bolster the fact that she doesn’t even think about me, I heard techno music blasting in the background.

“Where are you?” I asked expecting a NICE answer from her.

“Oh I’m at illegal street racing with my ‘Brother’. Cool right? Can you hear the cars? *Sound of drifting”

“It’s a little inconvenient to talk with you now. Some other time k?”

I was so angry that she forgotten about our date. And she pushed me away because of other people she knew just for three weeks. I just said:

“This is so expected of you Pam. Bye”

And I put the phone down.

I’m so heartbroken.

My heart’s already twisted and wringed by you. Why are you doing this to me?

You first said:

“Can we change our status to friends for now please? A lot of people chasing me now and it’s really awkward for me.”

It was a shock for me. I needed time to recover.

And there came another one.

“So how? They can chase me. But I dun need it accept mah… At least, I get a life. More friends, and night life. So? Pls pls pls…”

I had no choice but to say yes.

I was confused and I wanted a clear status. But you claimed:

“Its not a break up mah… Jus a relationship on hold la. Can?”

Am I fool to even consent to it.? I have so many doubts. I feel so unsettled. And you said:

“Baby I’m doing this so that we can have more time together. I can call you more often and go out with you since now you are like all of them as suitors so I’m not biased to any.”

It broke my heart but I still say yes. Why do I have to accommodate other guys? Are they more important than me?
But even after I said yes, you didn’t keep your promise. Instead you gave all your time to them. You never called, you never listened. I’ve been through so much and you never bothered to find out.

When I was sick I called you. I can’t even tell whether you were worried cos it didn’t sound like it from your tone. I’m just sick and needed some reassurance. But instead you said:

“Baby I’m sorry. The more you do this, the more irritated I get.”

You told me about your adventure with the pilot. Oh ya for God’s sake he’s not a pilot. There’s a big difference between one and an unmanned aircraft specialist. Though I said it didn’t matter to me anymore, can’t you tell I’m hurt? Sure he drives a Peugeot, is a specialist and is earning probably 10 times than me. But for God’s sake, ain’t my love worth a thing?

I tried to imply I was better. I believed I could give more. I believed that I was in the wrong. I was truly sorry about not giving my best to you. I don’t have a car, money and I’m not exactly the most considerate guy around. But I love you Pam.
But you told me:

“Yea. But I was serious last night. I wanna take care of you. But I also want someone who can take care of me. Make me feel protected, think for me. You’re are more like a son now. I need someone who’s more matured then me and can take care of my feelings.”

You don’t know how much that hurts. HELLO? HOW CAN A GUY PROTECT A GIRL WHEN A GIRL DOES NOT EVEN CONSIDER HIS FEELINGS FIRST!

You tell me about your late hangouts of supper and with your friends at work. Let’s be realistic. I think they are interested in you. Can you be sure that you’ll always be safe? I’m worried DAMN IT!

You go clubbing and you got invited to the stage to dance. Cool. But the fact that other guys were dancing with you and had their hands on you was not cool at all.

You never message me. Maybe the guys should make the first move. Granted, I SMS you first. But after a few SMSes, you replied:

“Wah baby u keep msg not scared no money pay bill?”

This sounds like a real legitimate reason. But it ain’t good enough for me because I’ve seen you SMSing so many other guys during our dates. So SMSing me is now a waste of money?

“Ok. Don’t SMS. Call me.”

“Huh… Ok. But I don’t wanna call. Very lazy lor

You were even cruel enough to take away our Friday. And you never told me why.

And then you said you wanted to meet on Friday night again suddenly. And then you said sorry I have to work on Friday night. It crushed me again.

I’m lonely, deprived, emo, lost and severely heartbroken.

I called you a liar.

Just when I thought I could hear something good from you to defend yourself, you said:

“Wei. Lie to you about? If its about work schedule it’s always changing one… Where got lie?”

“Don’t worry k? Soon I’ll spend enough time with you.”

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
AM I NOT WORTH YOUR TIME NOW?
AM I NOT WORTHY AS COMPARED TO OTHERS?
I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT WORK HERE!
YOU ARE SPENDING MORE TIME WITH OTHER GUYS THAN ME!
I THINK THAT’S SOMETHING I CAN BE ANGRY ABOUT!

Then best reason of all:

“Actually if u comparing to them. U must think leh. Theirs is they ask me out, then they will drive me out and back so can hang out later and spend more time.”

So it’s now my fault that you don’t spend enough time with me.

You don’t call anymore. You don’t go out with me as often anymore. I’m not the most important person anymore.

Well let me tell you what I think.

I’m damn well worthy of anyone on this damn earth.

I’m starting to hate you. I’m starting to not even remember how you loved me.

I don’t hear the same voice coming from you now.

Do you even love me now? I bet you can’t even answer that question now.

Did the Pam that I loved died a month ago?

The Pam I see now is so different.

There’s no turning back now.

Maybe we should all move along.

I will change myself. This Dom ain’t worth anyone to get. I know as long I be this true to someone, that someone will exploit it. This is not revenge. I will protect myself from now on.

Why waste myself? I’ll kill my good self which loves you. Once and for all.

Even if it consumes me, I will.

Devotion and love don’t mean a thing in this world. After all, fairy tales don’t exist. Just like our love, it’s just a lie.

But I’ll change that. The world will change someday. But our love, never will. It died, the day you went away.

Someday you’ll realize. That day when I held your hand, that day when we first kissed in Sentosa, that day when we hugged cos I showed how much you mean to me and you found out how much I mean to you. All the adventures that we have been through, all the love that we had and made, all of those you shall never forget as long as your soul lingers in this world.

The truth is some part of you will always love me. But you’re too self-centered to notice now.

When you realize it, it’s too late.

I ain’t gonna love anyone like that again.

Because fairytales,
Are all lies.